|Life is So Hard When You Can't Find Your Ball|
MOM: Milo! Here's your NEW home! You're gonna live with us! Oohhh, you're such a cute little puppy!!!!!
MILO: Who ARE you and what's a "Milo?"
MOM: That's your name! "MILO!" Isn't it cute?
MILO: "Name?" What's a "name?"
MOM: Just learn it. "Myyy-Loooww." When I say "Milo" that means you.
MILO: Ok, I guess I can handle that....
MOM: I have some other things to teach you, Milo. First, I'm your Mom.
MILO: Wait...that doesn't sound right. I'm 8 weeks old. My mother is hairy with lots of breasts. You apparently have only two.
MOM: Well, yes, that's your real mother, but I'm your NEW mother, and I have some fun things to teach you.
MILO: Hang a breast over here and we'll talk about other things later.
MOM: Um, that's the first thing, dear. No more breasts.
MILO: WHAT!!???!!! I wanna go home!!!! I don't like it here.
MOM: This IS your home, sweetie, and from now on, NO breasts. You eat kibble.
MILO: Kibble? Is that like milk from a breast?
MOM: Well, not exactly. It's dry, hard and in a bowl.
MILO: NO WAY! Gimme the breasts! Bend over, Mom.
MOM: Forget it. And another thing, you can't pee whenever you want. You pee when I say it's ok.
MILO: That's a joke, right? (Milo squats and starts to pee in the living room).
MOM: (Yelling) NO!!!! (Mom whips Milo up in her arms and flings him out in the yard).
MILO: Geez, this lady is nuts. (Milo finishes his pee outside).
MOM: GOOD BOY, MILO!!!! (Mom brings him inside. Milo looks at Mom like she's got 4 heads).
MILO: You just threw me outside and now you're bringing me in? I don't understand this whole thing. Hmm, there seem to be some neat things in here, though. Look at that smelly shoe! (Milo grabs Dad's sneaker).
MOM: No, that's not for you! (Mom takes the shoe away. Milo grabs a pencil).
MOM: No, that's not for you, Milo! (Mom takes the pencil away. Milo grabs a TV remote).
MOM: NO, Milo! (Mom takes the remote away).
MILO: Hey, this is no fun!
MOM: Sorry, Milo, it's your lot in life.
MILO: I'm leaving. I'm packin' my little fuzzy bear and I'm outta here....
MOM: You'll get used to the rules. Now I'm putting you in this nice cozy crate, and I'm going out for an hour. This is your very own house, Milo.
MILO: My house!!!??? You're locking me in that box with metal bars??? HELP!!! HELP!!! Animal control!!!!!! HEEEELLLLLPPP!!! PETA!!!!
MOM: Milo, relax, I'll be home in an hour. You'll be fine. Here's a nice blanket and a ticking clock to keep you company.
MILO: A blanket and a clock? I don't even know my own name yet, and you expect me to tell time?
MOM: No, Milo, the blanket and clock are to make you feel like you're sleeping with your mother.
MILO: Sure, that's EXACTLY like sleeping with my nine soft, cozy brothers and sisters and my big warm, furry mother. Please send me back! Please?
MOM: Don't worry, Milo, you'll be ok. Now go to sleep and don't soil your crate. (Mom leaves for an hour. When she comes back, Milo is quietly sleeping in his crate).
MOM: Hi, Milo!! Were you a good boy?
MILO: That's a rhetorical question, right? There's not exactly a lot to do in here.
MOM: Well, I mean, did you pee in your crate?
MILO: Of course not. What do you think I am, an animal?
MOM: Now THAT'S a rhetorical question, Milo.
MILO: Ok, ok. NO, I was a "good boy" and I did NOT pee in my crate. Does doo-doo count?
MILO: Just kidding, Mom. I was a perfect gentleman. You think I wanna lay in that stuff?
MOM: OK, then as a reward, we can play with this nice little tennis ball I bought you. (Mom slowly waves it back and forth, and then puts it down in front of Milo).
(Milo looks at the hypnotic tennis ball and becomes curiously fixated on it).
MILO: I don't know why, Mom, but... that thing looks... strangely... enticing... Maybe a reason to stay here for... an hour...or two... Show me how this tennis ball game works....
Editor's note: Well dear reader, this is known as "foreshadowing" in literature. Perhaps "forewarning" or "foreboding" might be more appropriate.
But then, a LOT more about that later....
...ad nauseum some would say...
"It's 7:00 AM. Walkies!"
"Milo Meets Santa"
"Bath Time for Milo"
"I Really Could Make Money..if.."
"How NOT to Train Your Dog"
"Milo. 8 Weeks Old. A Flashback"
"Milo Moves to Tucson, Arizona"